


Spoken in silence

by WingsandImpalas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x09, Car rides, Cas was a bamf and I'm proud, Dean Needs A Hug, Dean and Feelings, Internal Monologue, M/M, Mary and Cas's friendship is great, NUFF SAID, PTSD, Supernatural Coda, and burgers for being a bamf, and idiots, dean and sam were also scary, he deserves many hugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 08:11:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9482309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingsandImpalas/pseuds/WingsandImpalas
Summary: Dean is free of the Box and Billie but it doesn't feel that way.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fangirling_FTW](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirling_FTW/gifts).



> A coda for 12x09 because this episode left me with a lot of feelings and I'm proud to admit all of them in the form Fanfiction. I've never done a coda before today this should be fun.

There’s silence in the car and Dean hates it. Hates the fact that it’s all he seems to notice anymore, hates everything to do with it. In some way he can justify it because Jesus logically he understands that everybody is in shock. Understands that everyone is thinking things through but he can’t fucking stand it. Not anymore. Thankfully he doesn’t have to because Sammy Winchester Saint of a brother leans over and turns on the radio. It’s a crappy station, with dumb pop music that’s been half taking out by static because there in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and it’s the most glorious thing he’s ever heard. 7 weeks 4 days and 19 hours of nothingness and finally Dean can breath again.

He hasn’t thought about this yet what would happen if he lived through that. Because up until 20 minutes ago he was a dead man. Died roughly 3 weeks ago in a underground base so similar to place he calls home. Everything until that point had been pure instinct. Only eating the food they gave him because he had to get Sammy out. That’s what Billy had been about, saving Sam it had always been about saving Sam. He’s spent 7 weeks thinking about it thinking about everything. About hell and Sam and Cas. Jesus he doesn’t want to think about Cas.

Every time he thinks he has the angel figured out he surprises him. Comes to his rescue once again with the almighty power of heaven behind him like he did in that goddamn barn. He’s changed since then, lacks that shock factor like the sparks that exploded in that room. It’s all in his actions now, in his voice like gravel and the steel in his eyes. It was there when he faced lucifer and Metatron and even Dean himself. It was there when he gave up an army, pushed Dean through a portal in purgatory, pulled his demonic ass back and begged him to stop. Cas has always saved him like that was the only thing worth doing. Like Chuck beamed down from wherever he is and made it Cas’s God giving mission.

Dean appreciates that. Loves Cas for that, loves him for most things. It’s just that Cas always leaves him too and Dean doesn’t want to think about that. Can’t think about it because that’s all he’s being doing for 7 weeks 3 day and 19 hours. So he doesn’t, he listens to the hum of the engine, the crappy radio station and Mom and Sam’s awkward conversation. It’s the first time in weeks that he sleeps without fear.

***

When Dean wakes up the sun is rising. At first he doesn’t notice, too busy realising he’s free now, that he’s out off that hellhole. Cas is driving now, Mary asleep in the passenger seat and Sam’s long limbs are sprawled over Dean's legs. Dean freezes in the seat looking at Cas. His face is calm, almost like he didn't release what was probably a crap ton of cosmic chaos on his head. In fact he looks sort of peaceful like there's nothing wrong in the world and Dean can’t stop looking at him. Looking at the way the pale light slowly starts to bathes his face starting with the dimple in his chin, glides across his sharp cheekbones and makes his unnaturally blue eyes sparkle. It’s only when he tilts his head that Dean realises he’s crying. Crying because he never thought he would have this again, have sunrises and sleepy car rides, have Sam by his side and have Cas.

Except he doesn’t have Cas. Not like he wants because Cas is always leaving him and in that place Dean was convinced it was because he didn’t care. Because like in purgatory Cas never replied to his prayers. It was a hard blow thinking like that but he  convinced himself that was why. Convinced himself that Billy was the only answer because Cas wasn’t there.

Except Cas killed Billy, gave a speech and flipped that theory on its head. You mean to much to me. That’s what he said and Dean can’t let that go. Despite the dark cloud in his head and the pressure in his chest he can’t let that go and it hurts. It hurts more than any weapon ever could because either Cas left him because he didn’t care or he left him there because he did and Dean can’t decide what’s worse. He has to look away.

“Dean.” Cas says in that voice, the one Cas uses when he’s ashamed or scared the one Dean hates because it’s almost always his fault not Cas’s.

“Yeah.” Dean croaks because he’s still not used to talking.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t find you.” Cas sounds so broken and Dean has to look at him again simply because he can’t figure out how not to. He doesn’t look different he’s watching the road still beautiful in the sunlight but the peacefulness is gone, replaced with a stoic mask that Dean is far to familiar with. That hurts too.

“Cas.” Dean starts but he doesn’t really know what to say, doesn’t know how to explain how fucked up he is this time. He wants to hold a grudge, wants to scream and cry just so the silence will stay away and he wants to Kiss him because he’s thought about that too. Thought about in those first few weeks in those dark times after he ate and he was feeling slightly less crappy because the guard broke the silence for a little while and he could think of what could happen after he got out. He stopped thinking about that weeks ago but he wants to now. Instead he says “I’m out now.”

It’s a simple sentence but it’s forgiveness. He’s not letting Cas hold on to blame like that. Not now after lucifer and Billy and everything else Cas has been through. Dean watches Cas as the stoicism breaks, his shoulders slump and Dean can breath again. Cas looks like he’s going to talk and even though Dean wants him to just to break the quiet again he’s terrified of what the angels going to say. Somehow Cas seems to get that because he closes his mouth and turns on the radio changing the stations until “smoke on the water” plays through the tiny speakers. Dean smiles.

***  
It’s not until they get to the bunker that Dean realises there’s a problem. Sam, Cas and Mary sit in the bunkers version of a living room. The small Tv playing daytime reality shows in the background as the remaining Winchesters sleep, naturally exhausted from their journey. Sam’s long limbs are hanging  over the couch, an old twine blanket wrapped around his shoulders. Mary sits curled up in the single, like a cat in the sun.

Dean switches of the Tv happy to go to his bed again and tells Cas he’s going to get a few more hours. The angel nods and Dean hopes he won’t be gone by morning.

He can’t sleep though, not in this room with it’s grey walls. Not in this overall. He strips it off and lies In his boxers planning to burn it in the morning. He stares at the ceiling and tries not to feel trapped inside the four walls. He breathes heavily as he opens the door because that was something he couldn’t do before, after a moment's hesitation he turns on the record player, carefully arranging the needle to softly play “House of the holy.” He tries not to pace because that’s what he did before. Paced and paced until he was exhausted enough to sleep after 3 or 4 days of not being able too. He never thought silence could be terrifying.

It could be minutes or hours or days when Cas walks by trying to fulfil his time because angels don’t sleep. He stops at the doorway and looks in. Deans laying on the bed looking at his guns and wondering if shooting the walls will make the silence go away. “Dean, are you okay?”

Dean laughs bitter and ugly because what kind of question is that. “No Cas. I am really not okay.”

Dean doesn’t look as Cas walks into the room, doesn’t react when Cas sits on the bed but he does flinch when Cas touches his shoulder. It’s a small thing really an action Cas has done a million times before. It’s just that Dean can’t remember the last time someone touched him. The hugs were different they were last day on earth hugs like the graveyard in Lawrence all those months ago. This is just a Cas thing Cas touching the arm that once bore his handprint. Dean misses that mark it was the only scar that he didn’t hate because it reminded him someone thought he was worth a damn. Dean melts into Cas’s side feeling his unnatural body heat along his spine. Hears Cas swallow almost too loud in the room before he lays down beside Dean on his back. Dean rolls over and looks at ceiling even though he can feel Cas looking at his face.

“Promise me you won’t do that again.” Cas says after what feels like an eternity.

“Do what?” Dean asks even though he thinks he knows the answer.

“Sacrifice yourself.” Cas says and Dean freezes. “I know what Mary was going to do but I know you had decided it would be you before that. And I can’t lose you again. I can’t.”

Dean looks at him blue eyes locked on green and the gesture is so familiar Dean wants to laugh. He doesn’t, he talks. “In that box it was so quiet It felt like I couldn’t breathe. I have been through hell Cas and every other fucked up place you can get and that place is the worst thing I can imagine. It wasn’t that I wanted to die Cas it felt like I was already dead.”

Cas doesn’t reply to that not at first. “That hospital in Indiana. It was like that when I took Sam’s memory from hell. I was locked in my body and I couldn’t hear anything real anymore. It made me crazy not the memory but the silence. I never wanted you to feel that but like you said your out now. We both are and we’re both alive Dean”

“Why doesn’t it feel that way?” Dean asks but it doesn’t sound like him when he speaks. It sounds broken, childish and it scares the hell outta him.

“It will.” Cas says with such conviction Dean can’t ignore it. He closes his eyes and listens to the music, to Cas’s breath mingling with his own. Cas must sense something or understands that Dean can’t think anymore because he begins to talk. At first Dean doesn’t listen just focuses on the sound of his voice and the feeling of Cas’s arm pressed against his. It’s only later that he realises Cas is telling stories about the things he’s seen on earth. Talking about ants and whales and the countless humans Cas has witnessed. At some point Dean moves until he’s practically hugging Cas’s side, arm draped over his chest and nose buried in Cas’s neck, smelling Of rain and holy oil.

Hours pass and Dean almost falls asleep He doesn’t know why he does it but he interrupts Cas halfway through a story that sounds like the creation of coffee and says “Cas, if I promise not to be stupid. Can you.. ugh.. can you just stay? Promise me you can stay.”

“I will.” Cas mumbles and presses a featherlight kiss to Dean's forehead. If he wasn’t so tired Dean would question it but he doesn’t, because he’s tired of thinking. He just smiles and slowly he falls asleep comforted by Cas’s voice and smell and his memory foam mattress and finally feels at home.


End file.
